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Being Autisic is... (Part Four)

3/6/2014 04:53PM

Being Autistic is being anal at times.


I have an issue with being spontaneous. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy it, per se, but honestly, it freaks me out a bit. I prefer to know what we're going to be doing, in what order. I like having plans, on almost everything.


If something goes off plan, even if it wasn't anyones fault, or even if the 'plan' was just something I decided in my head, and no one else involved knew about the 'plan', I get upset. I know why I get upset, just from it being different then I expected. Other then that, I'm not sure why. You would think that deviating from a path would be fine, and it is. At times. And it can be somewhat random seeming to what I get upset by with this and what not.


If it's something like camping, I can go with more basic plans like 'going for a walk' and not mind changing it up a bit. If we're going to go shopping at multiple places, or have an appointment at places, I like being much more exact. There was a time in my childhood where my parents told me they were taking me to the dentist, and took me to the library instead. I LOVED going to the library, but because it wasn't expected, I started freaking out a bit. And still wanted to go, crying all the way.


It seems to be if I know I'm supposed to be surprised at this, I'm fine, like unwrapping gifts or someone telling me we're going somewhere special, and it's a surprise. If I have it planned in my head, and it changes, though, it gets wonky.


I do love making lists, and require them whenever we pack to go somewhere. Convention or camping, grocery lists or lists for gifts for Christmas, I like being exact. I have a directory on my computer for just random lists. I've saved a basic camping list just so I don't have to do it each time. I have lists of information for games I haven't played in years...


This problem was NOT helped by all the medications I had to take as a kid, many of which I got physically addicted to, and would get HUGELY sick if I missed ONE dose. I was like a junkie coming down; I would get the shakes, sweats, vomiting, and physical pain. So if we went camping, or visiting somewhere, and there wasn't a list to help me remember to take my pills with me, it might be 3 or 4 hours out before I remember. And when we went camping in very remote locations, and forgot certain food ingredients, or TP, it got very... not fun.


On the plus side, it makes it so that if we do go somewhere for over a week, I'm more prepared then a Boy Scout. I've double and triple checked everything, brought 50% more clothes then we will need (mainly because Zolaerla and I are also klutzy, and can spill stuff on ourselves just by trying to drink out of a soda can.), and the first aid/toiletry kit has things for almost every eventually except having anti-venom in it.


So when I get upset and say “It wasn't what I was expecting”, that doesn't mean I don't like it. I might truly love it. I just wasn't expecting it, and my brain decides that that's a bad thing. Stupid brain.